I am ridiculously hard on myself. It’s undeniable to the people around me and I am often told to “chill”. I don’t even know what chill means. The other day I woke up and before I could get out of bed the day was already off to a really crappy start and there was no chill.
I felt overwhelmed that the weather was interfering with my romantic weekend and ruining everything I had planned, I felt angry that my professor took my textbook off reserve even though I requested an extension due to it being backordered and to top it off, I felt embarrassed that I was feeling lonely and really missing my friends.
Still lying in bed, not wanting to deal with going to class, I went into full panic mode. I felt the tears swelling in my eyes and my heart started to race and all the bad thoughts started rushing through my mind.
It started with feeling like nothing can ever go right and it didn’t seem fair Hurricane Hermoine had to come THIS weekend when I had a beach trip planned. That somehow, segwayed into not feeling like a good partner and girlfriend which then irrationally lead to feeling like a loser because tailgating and thirsty Thursday are not my cup of tea (what is wrong with me for not wanting 50 cent shots and doing keg stands in a parking lot?!?!?!?).
The loser feeling lingered for a bit, with only a couple of close friends, was there something really unlikable about me that I don’t have more friends? Was I being too clingy to my boyfriend? Am I not independent enough? Can people see the side of me I hate about myself? Will the people I have get tired of my shit and leave? Would I be doing better if I were prettier?
Panic attacks suck, they’re irrational and feel like a civil war in your head. I let my mind tell me I was selfish,lame and ugly just because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I know I’m not that person, but at the time I bought into it.
Admitting my mind goes to really dark places and admitting how fucked up I see myself sometimes makes me vulnerable, even as I type this I can’t help but wonder what the random kids from high school will think, or how my mom will react to seeing this written down or if maybe this will reach someone who totally gets how you can be sort of normal via Instagram but also be super sad sometimes. Normally, I’d use my panic attack and crappy morning as an excuse to skip class, stay home and sleep the day away and just wait until tomorrow.
BUT THIS WEIRD THING HAPPENED…I got out of bed and meditated. I let myself cry it out and not feel the shame from a minute before. After that, I got dressed, went to school and spent my break pinning quotes that make me feel good and listened to a podcast about the history of the word Athleisure. These are the pillars (my therapist calls them healthy coping mechanisms) that hold me up as a happy human, even if they’re cheesy.
Joy is what keeps me centered. Whether it’s hiding to meditate during my break, journaling or blasting my favorite rap playlist, these are the little things that make me feel strong. They help me know I’m not the monster I create in my head.
This self love club thing I’ve been trying to follow isn’t fool proof, the bad days and panic attacks will always exist. I wrote a post on improvement and I took a temporary step back the next day but unlike so many other times, I took two steps forward today.
I don’t want to feel shame that sometimes I bug out at life. I’m getting help, helping myself and doing the best I can. Writing this in a clear headspace is a reminder that as messed up as I feel sometimes, I’m a fighter that keeps going.