I fall somewhere between a social media oversharing expert and a recluse with no presence on the internet… all depending on the day. Part of my work involves managing social media at times, so a social media manager on a social media break can be ironic. I recently took a 14 day cleanse and now that I’m back on, I don’t know how to feel.
I love seeing what my friends are up to, getting lost watching artists blend paint and posting all about my travels. There is a high in getting validation that my vacation is picture worthy and that what I’m wearing is cute enough. I love following business people I look up to, other females in my industry and a whole slew of cooking pages. The best part of social media is seeing what Arianna Huffington is up to or finding new brands that are targeted to my sense of style. I’m not big on editing, if my skin is bad, the world knows. I like to keep my social media as light and authentic as possible.
Unfortunately, with an anxious mind, the constant updates can be detrimental to my sanity. Sometimes the last thing I want to be seeing is that the the girl I sat behind in 10th grade science class is working for the company of my dreams, or that the guy who showed up drunk to class is now selling multi-million dollar real estate. I try to be happy for other people but jealousy is a real human emotion. Knowing who’s following who and what amazing thing someone is doing next, drives me to a primal place where I go fight-or-flight.
On my best days, I try to shut down the little voice in my head that tells me I’m not enough, but I’m not strong enough everyday. When my explore page is full of girls I can never look like and closets full of bags I’ll never be able to afford, the furious stalking and jealousy begin. I know I should not try and compete but the envy consumes me. It makes me feel like my life, body and accomplishments are not enough.
Maybe my cleanses are not so much about other people, but about unplugging to stop comparing myself. For whatever reason, I can’t just delete my presence. I wish I could, but at points I just want to stalk my favorite designers and show off that I took a cute selfie. The edited girls with big butts and flat stomachs and the million dollar closets will always be floating around the internet, but I don’t need to fear them. My cleanses are about taking everyone else off my radar to appreciate myself.