My Love/Hate Relationship with Social Media

I fall somewhere between a social media oversharing expert and a recluse with no presence on the internet… all depending on the day. Part of my work involves managing social media at times, so a social media manager on a social media break can be ironic. I recently took a 14 day cleanse and now that I’m back on, I don’t know how to feel.

I love seeing what my friends are up to, getting lost watching artists blend paint and posting all about my travels. There is a high in getting validation that my vacation is picture worthy and that what I’m wearing is cute enough. I love following business people I look up to, other females in my industry and a whole slew of cooking pages. The best part of social media is seeing what Arianna Huffington is up to or finding new brands that are targeted to my sense of style. I’m not big on editing, if my skin is bad, the world knows. I like to keep my social media as light and authentic as possible.

Unfortunately, with an anxious mind, the constant updates can be detrimental to my sanity. Sometimes the last thing I want to be seeing is that the the girl I sat behind in 10th grade science class is working for the company of my dreams, or that the guy who showed up drunk to class is now selling multi-million dollar real estate. I try to be happy for other people but jealousy is a real human emotion. Knowing who’s following who and what amazing thing someone is doing next, drives me to a primal place where I go fight-or-flight.

On my best days, I try to shut down the little voice in my head that tells me I’m not enough, but I’m not strong enough everyday. When my explore page is full of girls I can never look like and closets full of bags I’ll never be able to afford, the furious stalking and jealousy begin. I know I should not try and compete but the envy consumes me. It makes me feel like my life, body and accomplishments are not enough.

Maybe my cleanses are not so much about other people, but about unplugging to stop comparing myself. For whatever reason, I can’t just delete my presence. I wish I could, but at points I just want to stalk my favorite designers and show off that I took a cute selfie.  The edited girls with big butts and flat stomachs and the million dollar closets will always be floating around the internet, but I don’t need to fear them. My cleanses are about taking everyone else off my radar to appreciate myself.

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Goal Digger II

With the end of the semester creeping up again, it felt like a good time to look at my goals. From this time last semester to now, I am stronger, more confident and a lot closer to climbing out of the hole. If this semester has taught me anything, it’s that what I need is inside me. Maybe it’s hard to find, but I know I have it in me!

I will enjoy alone time more

I will put more effort into this blog

I will say yes to things that scare me

I will make myself more of a priority

I will stand up for myself more

I will learn to say NO

I will let go of things that make me scared, jealous or make me feel shame

I will start writing my play

I will manage my time better

 

Sporty Spice

These Florida days are way too hot! If I had the option to hibernate from June to October, I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I’m in summer classes and running through campus is part of my daily routine. The detail on the arms and sneakers make me feel athletic. This outfit is an easy go-to that can take me from class to drinks and is super breathable!FullSizeRender

I’m Not A 10… And Neither Are You.

My biggest aspiration when I was heavy was to be a “ten”, as I lost weight that goal remained the same. I know, it’s shallow, but I was programmed to think that’s what would make me happy. I just always wanted to be the hot girl in the bar, not the second-string fat girl of the group that boys never wanted to buy drinks for.

Well… this week I realized I am not a ten.

THAT IS BECAUSE I AM NOT A NUMBER ON A LINE.

I get teary writing this because I know for certain I was brainwashed into thinking I was. At size 22, I thought that FAT was who I was. Now, at size 10, THIN is not who I currently am either. So if I’m not a ten, not fat and not thin… I guess I’m just me.

It makes me mad the world is obsessed with labels when life can’t be put into categories. It’s not about hot or ugly. The ugliest girls can be hot and the hottest girls can be ugly. Maybe it’s all cheesy but damn, self love is important to being a happy human.